Holy Cow!

When history unveils on TV, we all WATCH and become a part

Lost in translation

It’s about time to write a book about The Hullabaloo in the Couch-Potato’s Farm. Since Kiran Desai wrote one about some fuss in a guava orchard, so, why not? After all, Couch-Potatoes have a higher yield per year, are available in every season, and moreover, so much has been happening on TV in the past few weeks.

For starters, we as a nation, have officially risen to a count of 1.21 billion Cricket maniacs, who ‘with’ the help of the Indian Cricket squad, just won the Cricket World Cup as the penultimate offering to our God, Sachin Tendular. Well, the ‘ultimate’ will come when he scores the 100th century (which he could have easily during the WC and saved some future drama. I know he secretly enjoys all the attention. Doff your coolness dude!).

The ones who witnessed the WC game night celebrations; if you think nothing can beat that madness, wait to watch what happens when the master blaster finally hits ‘that’ century. Mob hysteria will reach another level. Fans will beat their chests, women will tear their clothes, children will pull their hair and men will dance on car tops. Even heads will be shaved-off. (Hang on, Mahendra Singh Dhoni has done that already). All right, so maybe it won’t be that spectacularly out of box. But, at least we would like to believe it to be so.

Nevertheless, what a televised drama. Totally unexpected. There were even tears in the end. Since our WC semi-final loss to Sri Lanka in 1996, I thought, in the cricket world, Vinod Kambli was the only naa-real. But now, having risen from that fall at the Eden’s, we have now achieved the pinnacle of human civilization. If the world does really comes to an end in 2012, there will be no regrets. (I am not making this up. Word for word, this was the Facebook status of many I people I know. Verbatim). Besides, we would want the world to end before the Kangaroos snatch the cup and pin the title to their sacks again. This is it, this is the moment, freeze it.

Our pride is satiated, ego is boosted and vanity has been fanned to immaculate coolness. So what’s next? Perhaps preparation for the next life. Absolutely, that is how the wheel spins. Victory churns virtue. We suddenly have pangs of conscience. And, Anna Hazare is leading our penance to achieve salvation. He, you, me, we and the Civil Society are together in this. In fact, the psuedo-Zuckerbergs, Zuckees, Facebukees, or whatever they are called – the ones who keep creating new groups and pages on Facebookhave also contributed to the nobel cause by recycling the ‘I am Blue’ picture badges into ‘I am Anna Hazare‘ in just one night.

(Bee-tee-double-u, I have a question: Why would I want that ugly button engraved with such stark lies popping out of the corner of my sexy vixen side pose picture? I don’t look like Anna (Hazare). Besides, it shrinks my thumbnail image. Fix it).

(Bee-tee-double-u, again : Why couldn’t you Zuckees invent the picture buttons earlier. I could have been  Angelina Jolie, or my neighbour’s dog, or anyone of my gender for that matter, before this day arrived. Now there is peer pressure to be just one man).

But like wise men say: the greater the challenge, the greater the difficulty of being good. Our challenge tops the impossibility-o-meter. We envision that whenever a firang, overwhelmed with everything our nation pelts at him, asks “Holy cow, what is this place?!”, he hears in unison, “Mera Bharat Mahaan.” We want to be the only country with adjectives of greatness in its name.

Jantar Mantar

This is a mass movement, hence no matter of your brain should be involved. Herds are the ‘in-thing’. Walk like an Egyptian. Read below for simple steps.

The Indiot’s Guide to Salvation

1. Find a leader : SOS. Anna found us. He is a the perfect Messiah. He comes across as somebody BBC would call ‘Face of India’. He has the perfect greatness costume too. (Horde the Gandhian topi that reads ‘I am Anna Hazare’.  Swadeshi look will hit the runways soon). He is already Mahatama Hazare on airwaves. So this is sorted. Besides, support from unlikely quarters is always welcomed. Narendra Modi says he is fortunate and grateful for Anna’s blessings, after his Gujarat’s development model was praised by our man)

2. Christening : We call it the ‘People’s Movement’, and is sub-titled (they are so in) – ‘The Genesis of the Promised Land’. No, by that we don’t mean Maharashtra. That was the land of our rising from the grave. Don’t jumble your scripts. This is how the plot goes – we rise from the dead, fight evil and then go to heaven. Period.

3. Mission: Corruption. I mean, remove it. Completely. There shouldn’t be a trace. By the way, send in your applications for the post of Big Boss. We need someone, preferable a bureau rat, who is comfortable in hiding for ever, and observing the entire nation through a vicious web of cameras and screens enabled by the hi-tech 3G spectrum. Big Boss might be named something boring later, just to avoid copyright issues. AB Baby you are right. (Can’t believe I said this). 3G ke aane se duniya badal jayegi. What an idea sir ji!

4. Game Plan : Fast unto death. That is it. A simple plan can always be changed later, unlike a complicated one.

5. Timing : Ek teer se do nishane. What better time of the year to fast than the Navratras. Isn’t it Anna? Besides, we can also get some blessings from the Gods.

6. ….. Haaaaannng on ! What? The fast is over? They agreed? To what? But, I am not done yet. I didn’t even get to the Lokpal bill. Of course there was something like that! When you survive on TV for all the information of what’s happening in the world, this is the kind of stuff you miss.

All right so we are playing cricket again.  The news ticker is flashing, “Sachin believes in sharing”. The God just gave away his IPL Man of the Match award to some young player of his team. Touching!

I think we’ll just wait for dooms day.

Zuckees, one ‘I am King’s XI‘ button for me please! I love Red!

PS : No offence intended. I just sit all day in front of TV and synthesise images to make opinions.

This entry was published on April 12, 2011 at 1:23 pm and is filed under Blabber-mouth. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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